Onion Article

Gabe Berlovitz named State Farm's "Safest Driver of the Year"

Locally known rodeo clown Gabriel Berlovitz was named State Farm's Safest Driver of the Year in a close battle between NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson and a newborn baby. The baby would have won the award but was seen running a stop sign near her house in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Berlovitz is known for his prominence in politics but it was no surprise that his driving skills were finally recognized. For this achievement, Berlovitz was awarded $1,000,000 and a license to drive a taxi.

            The day Berlovitz got his license, he knew he would be a superb driver. Just a few weeks after he passed his test, he got into his first car crash. Driving in a wild chase to hunt someone down in a game called “assassins”, Gabe T-Boned a car in the middle of an intersection. Not only did he total both cars at the scene, he also managed to break the driver of the car’s shoulder and give his wife whiplash. The expenses of this accident were massive, but they did not stop Berlovitz from crashing on several different occasions.

            Just a few months later, Gabe was driving to school on a lazy Monday morning. He was pulling into the parking lot at South High and did not see a brand new Chevy Impala coming from his left. He turned left and slammed into the car head on as a bewildered Lauren Anderson watched the event take its course. The crash broke Anderson’s knee and it would later require several surgeries to repair it. Lauren Anderson father, Neil Anderson was heard saying, “That Gabe kid again… I’m gunna have to teach him a lesson”. Berlovitz again paid for the cost of fixing his own car and the victim’s car, as well as the cost of the knee surgery.

            The next day, Berlovitz had completely forgot about what had happened the day before. He was driving 70 mph down Hiawatha Avenue eating a Big Mac and calling one of his girlfriends when a stray dog came running into the middle of the street. He did not have time to stop his car and the impact of the collision sent the puppy flying 100 feet down the street. Berlovitz drove up to where the dog landed to see it get up and gingerly walk away. Luckily, Baxter the dog only suffered a sprained back and broken heart. Gabe shook off what had just happened and sped away, narrowly missing three parked cars and a few elders crossing the street.

            After these instances, Berlovitz reflected on the damage he had caused the people he hurt. He realized no one died and instantly felt no guilt from that point on. Even after all of these accidents, the award was still handed to Berlovitz as no one else in the world proved to be a better driver. “I hope everyone learns from my amazing skills and models the way I drive from this day on. I am very happy to accept this award and will continue driving this way until I die in a car crash,” Berlovitz said in a press conference. Berlovitz will be looking for his 5^th consecutive State Farm’s “Safest Driver of the Year” in 2012.